modeling!!!!!!!!

ok so over he weekend i did a photoshoot for one of my friends. and i loved every single second of it!

but i found someone new ..

I wish I could rip out a page of my memory
Cause I put to much energy in him and me
Can't wait till I get through this phase
Cause its killing me
To bad we can't re-write our own history
Such a mystery when hes here with me
It's hard to believe I'm still lonely
Chances fading now, patience running out
This ain't how its supposed to be

ENERGY . keri hils0n .

that song ALWAYS reminds me of him , and though i made it official with him .. icant help but miss , think , and wonder about my past . . iknow igotta get off it .. and ikinda do feel bad . itake that back ; IFEEL bad . its like im using him ! and i`ve never been that type ! idont wanna think of B has the REBOUND , and idont wanna USE him to get over the past ,,, to be honest .. thats why im here in the position im in RIght now ! iused HIM to get over my last past .. && fell so DEEP and DOWN , that fuCk , look at me now ! .. this cant be life !

pain .

" You have to trust yourself and choose to believe or not to believe what someone says to you. If others say one thing, but do another, you are lying to yourself if u don't listen to their actions. But if you are truthful with yourself, you will save yourself a lot of emotional pain. Telling yourself the truth may hurt, but you don't need to be attached to the pain."

_ the way y0u say it . . .

It’s the way you say it ,
the way you show you care.
The ways you make me laugh
and the way you hold me close.
The night you asked me out ,
the time we talked through the night.
When I said I missed you,
you said you didn't because
I was laying next to you in your mind.
That's the way it's been ever since,
never to be without one and another.
The way you make me feel.
It's the way you make me feel that is
* u n e x p l a i n a b l e .
Sometimes I think I'm in a fantasy,
or maybe my dear god sent me an angel.
--------------------------------------------
my l0ve is his ; & his is mines
a friend became the ..

underneath it all

you can ;
dress me up &
make up to be ;
what you`d like to see ..
what pleases the eye ,
BUT that`s a d i s g u i s e .
underneath all the make up ;
the jewelry ; the fake stuff ..
i will [ n e v e r ] be
M0RE or LESS than any0ne esle .
we are all of flesh & bones ,
& all the wealth iposses is 0f
kn0wledge . l0ve . & life ..
diam0nds & g0ld , mean n0thing
t0 me .. the trees & the m0untains
are [r e a l] beauty , my soul ..
n0t my face .. has the * real
* b e a u t y .

Missing "US"

i just wanna smile again ;
but thr0ugh all the hurt & pain
i kn0w its g0nna bring me a brighter day ,
& n0 matter what might c0me my way ..
i kn0w i`ll be 0KAY . "

s0 yeah..

" i can admit that i
was a tie that was caught in a phaze
wanting a part of the game
but now iknow im losing it from now
with you
your my right when im wrong
when icant carry on
youve become the better me
that keeps me from falling
you came to teach me
and never hurt us
ipromise to be nothing less than the woman you deserve. "
ican see forever in yu ; . .
inever knew l0ve l0ve l0ve ;
nnnnnnnnn ee wh0o .

I deserve an mtv show for me and my people, and if you tryna zooone, I got a whole swisha sweet full

"Fuckin' fantastic, fuck if you agree. I shine bright, but I give a fuck if you see me."

2009 is my year. I know a lot of people say it, but I'm not tryna "take over the l.a" or "be the most seen girl in the valley." I don't want the sickest ride evaaa, or to be the most, blunted girl out there.. I don't care about hittin' Les Deux every Tuesday, or spendin my paycheck @ Intermix. If 2008 was the year of lessons, building,etc., then 2009 is the year of the fulfillment of the vision that's been set in the latter days of 2008. I see myself stable by twenty-three, period. Writing has fallen by the wayside right now, and I'm working on a couple prestigious projects.. nepotism at its finest. But if your people were doin' what mine do, you'd be on it too. Don't hate.., and proceed. Sigh.. I'll come up. Big whoop. I want a Cadillac CTS.. Ima get my Caddy within a couple months tho, mark my words. It's a shame that I spent this year learning some shit I kinda already knew. But I have a hard head, and it takes a coo minute for shit to sink in. I got it now though. Lesson learned, year (kinda) wasted. But it all comes down to this right here:

-If you don't define success, someone else will do it for you.

-If you don't schedule your time, someone else will do it for you.

I'm sorry guys I can't help it:(

Beautiful days are long gone
I can't seem to breathe
feels like it hasn't been that long
since you walked away from me
now I can try to act real strong
but you and I both know I still think of you that way
and you should know that
The beautiful lights, the star filled nights
they don't mean a thing
cuz you are my star so it don't seem right
without you here with me
now I can try to act real strong
but you and I both know its hard for me to say
you were my soul
Now I could say that I don't love you no more
and I could say that I've closed the door for our love
and I could tell you I'm feeling
its time for us to go our seperate ways
but baby I just wouldn't be the same
cuz girl your love is still on my brain
Now when you're in love it takes time to heal
when someone's broken your heart and changes how you feel
girl I thought that you never do me that way
but even after all I still think of you that way... noooo
Now I could say I don't love you no more
and I could say that I've closed the door for our love
and I could tell you I'm feeling
its time for us to go our seperate ways
but baby I just wouldn't be the same
cuz girl your love is still on my brain
Now love is a game that we both like to play
will I win or lose, if I go, or if I stay
even though I try to hide my broken heart inside
girl you know me inside-out
and I can't get you out off of my mind yea yea
Now I could say I don't love you no more
and I could say that I've closed the door for our love
and I could tell you I'm feeling
its time for us to go our seperate ways
but baby I just wouldn't be the same
cuz girl your love is still on my brain

This is Me.

i don't even have to write anything about my where-abouts or what i do, how i feel, or what i'm currently thinking because you all seem to know everything about me already... right?

September 1st

and this day shall R.I.P.

peace&love

honestly, the beach is one of my favorite things about living in southern California. if i could, i would go to the beach everyday. it felt so nice being there, in the late afternoon, people watching, a slight cool breeze and the sand between my toes. it was totally unplanned, we just went... and it felt so nice. moments of silence were not uncomfortable, and a nice simple conversation warmed my heart. dreams of one day owning a beach home so that any time of the day we could walk outside and just sit in the sand and listen to the oceans waves. it brings a sense of peace and serenity to the mind. i loved it.

"Most of the time the faces we face are not the other guys', but our own faces. and it's the worst kind of yellowness to be so scared of yourself you put blindfolds on rather than deal with yourself. -- to face ourselves. -- that's the hard thing. -- the imagination. -- that's God's gift to make the act of self-examination bearable."

this quote is probably one of the best things i've heard. especially living in Los Scandalous, everyone wears a mask at some point. it's what we think people want, us with the masks on, because why would people care about the real us, the emotional, scared, make-up-less, naked, no swag version of ourselves. and that's what makes this so deep. we are so worried about others and what they think, we become blind to even our true selves, because we are scared no one will accept or appreciate the real us. a friend of mine and i had a conversation about this, and he mentioned that the truth is so unattractive to most people on the outside, and i told him it doesn't even matter. theres no need to impress everyone, because in the end someONE will accept the truth and love and appreciate you for it, and that's all you really need. you go home either alone or to one, not to 1000 people. so in the end why worry about them? some people do it in their search for happiness, but sometimes i feel people look too hard for that point of happiness that they miss it when it is right in front of their faces. never being satisfied is a curse and a blessing. in growing, i've become an expert at pretending, the master of disguise. and no its not fake, just learned to never give myself fully. look at me and tell me wat you see, and i'll tell you what i am, and then you decide if you should believe it or not. think about it.

we all fear it.

before you ask or assume and write your negativity, yes, this entry is based off recent experience. yes i'm putting it out there. but, you can't deny it. we all have a fear of being alone. so fuck it, just share the feelings and express yourself.
you see, before him, she was just her. and before her, he was just him. they were okay with that because it's all they ever knew. then he came along and her and him became them. from that day on they were always together. daily life involved each other. every story she had to share came back to him, and vise versa. it was always "we" and never "me." then, one day, they became him an her again. and now they knew what loneliness really felt like... because you don't know what it is to be alone until you have experienced togetherness. it scared them. so they found their way back to each other, but this time in a different way. they became them again but not the them they once knew, this was a new them. both of them holding on to any part of the past "them" as much as they could so that their fear of loneliness wouldn't intrude their lives.. at least not just yet. but it soon will, and they both know it, and who knows what will happen then... or what will even happen after the loneliness goes away.